


No Expectations

by andiebeaword



Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [6]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Flirting, General Case-Related Angst, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Mentions of Sex, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, cursing, hospital stay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andiebeaword/pseuds/andiebeaword
Summary: Reader has been in love with Spencer Reid for over a year. They became close while she helped him with his headaches, even pushing him to talk to a geneticist about it. The night Diane had Maeve at gunpoint, Reader decided she'd rather die than to have Spencer, the love of her life, lose the love of his. A year goes by and the two barely talk. Spencer takes his anger out on Reader, verbally, one night at a bar. Reader leaves, accidentally falling asleep in the bathtub. Spencer goes to apologize, but finds her unconscious. While in the hospital, Reader hears Spencer admit something while he believes she was unconscious...
Relationships: Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid/Reader
Series: Spencer Reid Mature One Shots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115516
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	No Expectations

**Author's Note:**

> I love this request! So...this will have a happy ending, I promise you all that. It will get very ANGSTY. No Smut. Fluffy Ending. I hope it's close to what you had in mind when you sent me this request!

\-------♥-------- 

Have you ever just known from your own reactions, that you were in the presence of the love of your life? Well, that's the language in which my body spoke against my will as I was introduced to one Dr. Spencer Reid. 

I fell in love with every part of him. From the way his hair quaffed atop his head, down to the way he smiled wide whenever I asked him to elaborate of a tangent he had spent several minutes talking about. I loved everything there was and forever will be about Spencer Walter Reid. 

I almost believed he felt the same way, too, that is, until he began experiencing mind-numbing headaches. He'd stumble into work late, and perpetually disheveled. Morgan once made a snide joke that Spencer was seeing someone, or indulging in a friends-with-benefits relationship that resulted in his newfound tardiness. I tried not to let those thoughts get to me, but then Spence began acting..distant every weekend we would get together and hang out. 

The first afternoon that it happened, he had gotten a call from his pager. I didn't even know that Mr. Technophobe carried a pager. He let out a slur of apologies, grabbing his messenger bag quickly, bolting out my front door like it had been the polite thing to do. When I had asked him about it the following day, Spencer simply shrugged it off, telling me it was nothing, just a call he had to take concerning his mom. I had a hunch my best friend was lying to me, but I was the last person who wanted to believe it. 

I had urged him to seek out further professional help when it came to his headaches. He told me his last doctor informed him that his brain scans had been sent to a highly sought-out geneticist, one who was top in their field. Lately, everytime I ask him about it, or bring it up, he just thanks me for looking out for him, but doesn't care to elaborate any further. Then, one day, I overheard him talking to Blake inside her office. 

"....Is this about..Phone Booth Girl?" Phone Booth Girl? I hated that I found myself eavesdropping, but I had gone weeks now without Spencer explaining much to me, so if Blake was who he chose to confide it, I wanted to know why. 

"She wants to meet." I felt my heart break a little, understanding that, clearly, Spencer found someone he was infatuated with; someone who was obviously more than just a friend, unlike me. 

"Wait.. You guys have never met?" I caught Spencer looking up sheepishly at Blake, his head shaking from side to side, curtly, giving her his unspoken answer of 'No.' "Aren't you curious what she looks like?" I was already imagining a picture-perfect blonde with a brain to match his, someone who could play chess with him, even beat him at his own game...often, and he would just follow her around like a love-sick puppy. I didn't even notice the tears begin to well up, slowly smearing my mascara until Spencer spoke again. 

"Oh, it doesn't matter what she looks like." Funny. I could instantly recall a moment inside his apartment while we were snuggled up with each other, where he distinctly told me that I would look so much prettier if I only let my hair down once in a while instead of always rolling it up into a messy bun at the crown of my head. Something else I found not-so-funny. Ever since he made his comment, I barely wear my hair up anymore. I'll tie it up when needed, but otherwise, I've let it fall over my shoulders naturally, or either straightened it, or, in a blue moon, curl it. I shuddered at the fact that this woman, whom he's never laid his eyes on, has him wrapped so tightly around her most-likely perfect petite finger. "I mean, she's already the most beautiful girl in the world to me." 

I couldn't bare to hear anymore. Now on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, I scurried away from Blake's office, running inside the nearest women's restroom. Once I found an empty stall to release all my pent up emotions in, I heard the soft squeak of the stall door next to mine. "Oh, Y/N, honey, what's wrong?" I don't deserve friends like Penelope Garcia. 

"No-nothing, I promise, just got some not-so-good news, that's all." I gave her a sad half-smile as I washed my hands and made my way out the door. I loved that she wanted to let me know she was there for me, but all I wanted was to breathe in a space that was only occupied by me. Another few weeks went by, Spencer only managed to come over three times to watch either the new Doctor Who, or to trade books for some light reading on the jet. One morning, when I discovered that Spencer had bailed, yet again, on grabbing coffee with me before heading into work, I found him talking with Hotch in the boss man's office. Sure enough, about a half-hour later, we're all being called into the conference room. 

"I have a wealth of knowledge I should be applying to this case." The pain I could see in his eyes, it was one I recognize every day looking at my own reflection. "But right now, I can't focus on anything for more than four seconds at a time, which makes me the dumbest person in the room." I wanted nothing more in that moment than to hug Spencer so tight, he would have no choice but to hug back and accept that we're all here for him. Sadly, our collective deafening silence would have to be enough. 

"We are all working on personal time. Let's get to work." Hotch gave me his perfected side-eye, knowing exactly what my feelings for Spencer were. Hell, I'm sure he knew even before I came to terms with it. Spencer was so oblivious to the rest of us that he didn't even care to notice that everyone had left to their designated tasks, leaving the three of us here in the bullpen. What felt like hours, but was only a few minutes, later, we discovered that Maeve Donovan's stalker was actually a woman. Hotch and I immediately presumed Spencer's girlfriend could've potentially been in a past romantic relationship with the unsub, allowing the victimology to fit. Spencer was keen on steering us in the opposite direction. That our unsub was a celebrity stalker. 

"What was it that March David Chapman said after he shot him? 'It was like all of my nobody-ness and all of his somebody-ness collided. Well, Maeve is somebody and this bitch is a nobody!" 

Hotch dropped the pen he was holding. My mouth dropped about three feet. In all the time I have known Dr. Spencer Reid, I have only heard him repeat the 'b' word once before. This time, however, there was some undeniable bite to his choice of word. I caught the guilt that swept over him before he turned his face away away from us, muttering "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from," before he stormed off down the hall. I hated that I just knew he was putting distance between us so that he could cry out his frustrations and anger freely, without any backlash. I wanted so bad to follow him, but I knew that would only be a stupid mistake. 

In reality, everything happened in roughly nineteen minutes from the second Spencer accepted the blindfold and walked up into Diane's loft. 

"Y/N, what do you think you're doing?" I wish I had stopped for a beat to explain, but all my stupid brain could think was.. I need to take Maeve's place. Sacrifice myself so that the man I love can be free to love the woman he loves. It was rather poetic, really...in my head. I didn't even have much of a plan. I knew the only reason Diane was even doing this was because she was rejected her chance at being a Ph.D., like Spencer and Maeve. But, we knew that there was a romantic connection there, that if Diane believe Spencer could fall so easily for someone like her, too, then maybe she wouldn't feel as inadequate. That was my plan. To convince Diane that Spencer had infact once fallen in love with someone who was inferior, intellectually. That a connection could happen without the need for smarts. 

I hadn't even taken two steps towards them when the floorboard creaked beneath my foot. Shit. "Just who the hell are you?" Diane glared at me, her gun aimed at Maeve. I chose to speak without thinking. 

"I'm Spencer's ex, Y/N." I was grateful that I didn't have my Kevlar vest on, already understanding that Diane would see into that a little too much. "I--I'm just here to prove to you that yes, while Spencer may hold doctorates and has an IQ higher than yours and mine combined, he is still a man, one who is capable of falling in love with anybody. Brains," I said as I pointed to Maeve, "or no brains," pointing towards myself. I didn't allow myself the luxury of seeing Spencer's face, already knowing he's going to want to ask me what the hell I was thinking...or not thinking. 

"I don't believe you," Diane scoffs, already cocking her weapon and pressing it against Spencer's temple. I heard his breath hitch, knowing he was only focused on Maeve. I clocked the blood on her head, mostly likely from when she was slammed into her coffee table. Spencer appeared more or less unharmed. I only hoped my being here didn't add to that. "How about I just kill you since you don't seem to hold any significance to Spencer, here." Her gun left the side of his face as it came to meet mine. Right when I thought I had fucked everything up for myself and Spencer, he blurted something out that literally saved my life. 

"Diane! No! You don't understand, I--we--" 

"What?" The tone in her voice read as anger and maybe a hint of resentment. We both waited with baited breath for the man to continue. 

"I--I love her, please, Diane, let her go, Y/N has nothing to do with this--"

"The fuck she doesn't, Spencer! She's here, she---Oh." The realization washed over her the moment she flickered her gaze from me to Spencer, then back to me. "You're in love with him, aren't you?" I faltered in my footing, surprised that she caught on faster than I thought. Next thing I know, Diane is bent down near Maeve, cutting her zip-ties, letting her go. She let her go. Just when I had felt my body relax, it tensed up again in shock. Diane had grabbed me, pressing the gun to her own head which was right in line with mine. "Go ahead, leave!" 

"No, I can't do that." Spencer had a grip on Maeve, to which I was surprised that he didn't tell her to run outside to our team. He had the chance to run, to be with his love and he's choosing...not to? I couldn't take it anymore. If dying here, protecting the one I love is how I go, to know he gets to live out his life with his love, then so be it. 

"Run, Spencer! Diane--" I turned my head just enough to get a better look at her, "pull the trigger. Do it, we profiled you as the type whose on a murder-suicide mission. So, go ahead. Let them go. You and I both deserve not to walk out of here, alive." I dared a glance over to where Spencer and Maeve were standing. I couldn't read the emotions that were showing across his face. I accepted my fate. The one I love doesn't love me back, at least, not in the same way. I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for the sound of the bullet, the feeling if it cracking my skull, severing several nerves throughout my brain. A brain that was never good enough to match the one belonging to the woman he loved. 

When nothing happened, I peeked an eye open. Shit! No, no, no! I saw it all happen so fast, I honestly thought I'd already died. Spencer let go of his grip on Maeve. He was yelling at Diane...then I felt my body get shoved. A gunshot rang out, making the already blaring noise in my head that much louder. Next thing I know, Spencer is on his knees crying, Maeve's body..lifeless..on the floor next to him. Diane is gone, too. A self-inflicted wound to the base of her skull. I hated that I wasn't dead. I was even hating myself for screwing Spencer's plan up, resulting in his love getting killed, anyway. I only made it worse. So, so much worse. 

I didn't even try to go to him once I realized the reality of the situation. I knew he'd turn me away. He turned all of us away. He hid himself away in his apartment for the better part of a month. No doubt, he had all the vacation hours built up. Spencer Reid was never the type to 'take time off.' This was different, though. My best friend was grieving the love of his life away, and I hated that I couldn't be there to help. I knew better. Spencer blamed me for Maeve's death. In his mind, I pulled the trigger, not Diane. 

J.J., Penelope, and Emily all tried to get him to come out. They even brought over various assortments of goodies in gift baskets, all meant to cheer up our favorite genius. So many times I thought about driving over, knocking on the solid oak wood of his door, already knowing he'd never open the door. Especially not for me. 

Our friendship dwindled soon after. I began spending my open weekends with either Emily and Penelope, or a date here and there I'd meet out of pure happenstance. After half-a-year of still getting the cold shoulder from Spencer, I decided to consider one night stands. The first guy was so not a smooth talker, who left immediately after the deed was done. I hated that I couldn't seem to convince my brain, nor my heart to forget Spencer. We'd never even so much as kissed, yet, here I was not even caring to give any other guy a decent try. 

-

Now, it's been over a year. Spencer took time off on the anniversary of Maeve's death, no doubt visiting her grave and reading over the letters they shared. On his first day back to work, I made the mistake of walking on ten minutes late, wearing clothes that had clearly been worn the day before, as well as a hickey on my neck that I never bothered to cover up. I didn't even notice Spencer getting up from his chair to follow me as I made a bee-line for the coffee machine, desperate for a much needed kickstart. "Good morning, Y/N." His eyes bore into my head as I stood, frozen, waiting for my coffee to finish making itself. His eyes narrowed over my figure, a scowl now painted across his, otherwise adorable, face. "Can't say I ever took you for the type to flaunt the fact that you're acting like a cheap whore." I paused mid-sip, gawking at Spencer's choice of words. Before I could even muster up a reaction, the echoes of his footsteps indicated that he was already back at his desk. 

I slumped over the counter, tensing as I heard the familiar clicking of heels approach me. "It's been a year, Alex. I just have to face it, Spencer hates me." Sure enough, I was met with a pair of very sympathetic eyes. Clearly, Alex overheard what Spencer had to say to me. 

"Y/N, I don't condone what Spencer said to you, but, just give him more time." She lifted her hand to pat me gently on the shoulder. "I promise, Spencer doesn't hate you." I scoffed at Alex. I know she only means well, but I couldn't shake the sickly feeling I've now had for over a year. 

"Alex, I practically got his girlfriend killed right in front of him! And...for what?" I could feel the tears trickling down my cheeks. Each droplet felt like a small burn, one for every sour look Spencer's ever given me in the last two-hundred plus days. "He hates me, Alex. I just know it." 

"Spencer will come around. Just giv--"

"Give him time, I know." I hated that I snapped at Alex. I know she's only trying to be the supportive mom of our team. I exhaled the remaining animosity I felt in my chest, letting it all leave my body, at least until I chose to inhale. "Did you know he stopped movie nights with me?" I knew Alex understood it as a rhetorical question, she being one of them Spencer now spent his open weekends with, instead of me. "And just the other day, I overheard him asking Morgan about seeing that new historical museum that's opening up. The same one I couldn't stop talking to him about for weeks." I let my body go limp, pressing it against the counter, not yet wanting to go sit back at my desk; the same desk that sits right across from Spencer's. "I mean, Morgan. Mr. Sports!" The fact that I laughed at my own comment spoke more to Alex than I may ever know. 

"Y/N... Have you tried talking about---"

"No." I said with more affirmation than I'd given all year. "If Spencer wanted to talk about it...to me, he would've by now." The man has had an entire year to come talk with me. Not for lack of trying on my part, that's for damn sure. "Alex, c'mon, Spencer won't even look at me, let alone indulge me whenever I bring it up, so...." 

"Does he know?" That question got me to snap myself out of my thoughts for a second. I glanced over her way, shaking my head slightly, telling her all she needed to know. "Y/N...we talked about this, I---"

"I know, Alex, believe me, I know." I forgot that she and the rest of the team hadn't shown up yet, back then, when I tried to convince Diane that Spencer had loved me. In trying to convince her of that, I only managed to shed light to the fact that I was the one in love with him. Not the other way around. "It's crazy, right?" I asked Alex, now blubbering in between sobs. "I mean, Spencer had the love of his life taken from him, and now, here I am, a whole year later, still hopelessly in love with him...and all he seems to see is the stupid bitch who got his girlfriend murdered." Alex wasted no time pulling me in for a hug I didn't even realize I needed until I was forced to wrap my arms around her as well, letting every emotion that ran rampant inside me come out in broken sobs and wails. 

"I know, honey, it's okay." Alex's words and well, just her embrace was enough to calm me down once the dam broke. I quietly excused myself back to my desk, knowing that Spencer stole glances my way; leaving me to wonder if he ever once felt bad about the way he made me feel. Though, I guess it's kind of hard when you're dealing with your own heartbreak. Before I could even work up the nerve to scribble another apology on my sticky note pad, Penelope emerged from her batcave. 

"Hey, so, J.J. and I were thinking about going out to Clancy's. The rest of you in?" A slew of 'yes's and 'sure's came from everyone except me and Spencer. 

"C'mon, man. One night. You in?" Morgan did seem to always have the innate ability to convince Spencer of doing something he never initially wanted to do. Spencer raised his head, glancing around at everyone, not ever once looking at me. 

"One hour, that's it." Everyone cheered their 'yay's as their gazes slowly fell on me. I waited. I wanted to only agree if Spencer gave his approval. Not that I needed it to go out with our team, but it would help to know that my presence was, at least, welcomed by everyone...including him. 

"I'll go if Spencer's okay with it." It was no shocker that the two of us had a major falling out after everything with Maeve. Hotch tried to reason with Spencer on the matter, but came up empty-handed. Neither one of us appeared to let it affect our work, so the heavy air, the awkward stares, the quick whispers; they all seemed to get swept under the rug and forgotten about with every new case we worked. A fact I was grateful for. 

Until today. 

"You can come if you want, Y/N. I sure as hell won't be the one to make you leave." The chill I felt from his tone could've cut the tension between us like a butterknife. 

"Fine," I said, swiveling around in my chair towards the rest of the team. "Guess that means I'm in." 

-

It only took Spencer eighteen minutes, and twenty-three seconds before he ripped into me for the second time today. "Fifth shot already, Y/N?" he joked, sarcastically, but I could definitely pinpoint the not-so-subtle hint of honesty there. "I'd offer you a ride home, but, well, for one I don't drive, and two, I wouldn't be caught dead within a mile of you." At that last deafening comment, I couldn't keep it in any longer. 

"Gee, then just what do you think this is?" I asked, gesturing, leisurely, in between us. Spencer stiffened at my question, obviously choosing to ignore the fact that I proved my point. I downed what was actually my third shot when a handsome guy approached us at our table. 

"Uhh, hi," the man said with nervous wave. "Ca--can I, um, do you--would you like to dance wi--with me?" I gave him the once-over, noting that he was very easy on the eyes, and his deep voice wasn't hurting my ears in the slightest. Not caring one bit about Spencer any longer, I nodded and scooted myself off my chair. 

"I'd love to," I said, suddenly a little nervous about dancing. "Um, can I-um, what's your name?" I fiddled with my hair a little, both because I had a habit of doing it, and to try and convey to my new dance partner than I was fine with him being nervous. 

"Oh, sorry, it's um, you can call me Jake." Jake. Not a bad name. I held my hand out for Jake to grab it, which he did, and together, we strolled out onto the dancefloor. I tried hard not to glance over to see if Spencer showed any signs that he gave a shit. I shouldn't care. I closed my eyes, letting the bass of the song fill my head and ears as I felt Jake's hands gently on my hips. Slowly, I leaned back against him, lining our bodies flush together. The downside to our position, was that it gave me a clear view of the man I have tried so hard to hate but....can't. 

He was being his usual chatty self in the company of Alex, Penelope, and J.J. Morgan wasn't far from where I was with a dance partner of his own. Hotch and Rossi had joined us in the beginning, but both dipped out after just one drink. All was fine until Spencer caught me staring at him. I averted my eyes, turning around to face Jake. Little did I know, it was too late. "Hey, um, you uhh, you wanna get outta here?" Before I could even politely turn him down, I feel a hand wrap around my wrist. 

"I'm sure she would, but Y/N here has a lonely cab to crawl into." Spencer tightened his grip, pulling me away from Jake, who I honestly wasn't even all that into. I didn't even get a chance to tell him no before Spencer hauled me further away near the restrooms. So much for making a scene. 

"What the fuck, Spencer?!" He finally released his grip on my arm, keeping his hands down by his sides as he stared directly at me. 

"What?" His face was sweaty, almost like he'd been nervous or done some sort of rigorous physical activity--and I hated that my brain went there just now. Again. "Oh, you were serious about letting him dick you down?" My eyes bugged out of their sockets at Spencer's words. I desperately attempted to compose myself, not wanting to give the doctor any more satisfaction than I've already apparently given tonight. 

"At least Jake acted like he fucking cared about me!" Which was true. He seemed rather agitated, like he was dared into asking me or something. Spencer wasn't wrong to assume the worst, but I had higher hopes for how my night should've turned out. 

"Y/N, all that guy wanted was a one-way ticket up your skirt." Have I mentioned that I hate how my brain wishes it was him who wanted that one-way ticket? 'Cause, as much as I think I would put up a fight, the hard truth is that if Spencer Reid asked, I'd do whatever in a heartbeat. 

"So what if he did? It's not like you give a damn about me." It's true. At least, he sure as hell made me think it's been true. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I balled my hands into fists. If Spencer wanted to do this now, guess I need to lay everything out for him. I just hope he listens. "You've flat-out ignored me for over a year!" I scoffed. I really thought once a month or so had passed, he'd slowly try to rebuild our friendship, at least, but....nothing. Just more anger and more nights where I woke up with a damp pillowcase. "I mean, I get that what happened sucked, and believe me, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially you..."

Spencer's once huff-and-puff stance turned soft and almost...unsettling? "I had a chance to save her! And you---Y/N, you... you took that away from me. You helped take Maeve away from me." There it is. The confession I already knew to be true. Spencer has resented me all this time for stepping in with the intentions of saving his girlfriend, only to live while she died. After a brief moment of feeling remorse, a strange bubble of anger floating up inside me. Spencer's next words brought it past the surface. "I--I just, I still don't know how to forgive you for that." 

Just like that, I instinctively reached out for the first full glass of whatever was within my reach, gripping the tumblr and throwing the liquid right in Spencer Reid's smug-ass face. The way his entire body stilled the second he felt the splash, put a wicked smile on my face I don't think I'll ever forget. As Spencer moved his fingers to wipe his eyes as dry as he could, I leaned in closer, so that he could hear my next words crystal clear. 

"I'll let you in a little secret, Spencer." I raised myself up on my toes, gripping his shoulder so that I wouldn't fall forward. The heat that radiated off of him was something I could just barely begin to ignore. "You don't have to act like a fucking asshole to me just because you still can't forgive me." I pulled away slowly, making sure he could read my face in all it's hurt and wrecked glory. When nothing more came out of Spencer's mouth, I took that as my cue to leave. Brushing past him harshly, I walked back over to our table, collecting my jacket and purse before giving a nonchalant goodbye to the team. 

"Y/N, where are you going?" J.J. asked, just before I made it to the door. I'm sure Spencer has confided in her moreso this past year than he even would've with me, but it didn't make the pain feel any less real. I turned to give her a look I hoped would convey the intensity of my need to bolt out and just go home. "Home. Apparently there's a lonely cab calling my name." I didn't even bother to wait for a response this time, already feeling the cool air hit me as I decided to walk the one mile home. 

The moment I locked my front door and tossed my purse over on my couch, I collapsed to the hardwood floor, letting every ounce of pain spill from my tears. Going over my last conversation with Spencer just made my heart hurt more as I pulled myself up towards my bathroom. A shower would have been fine, but my legs told me that standing wasn't an option at this point. After about five minutes, my body began to relax, the muscles that were once tense, now felt like silly putty in the water. Right as I was in the middle of scrubbing my hair, my phone goes off. 

\---Asshole Calling! Ass Hole Calling! There's an asshole on the other end of the line. Answer it quick, so you can talk to the big ass---

I shook my head, laughing. I had forgotten that a few weeks ago, I'd changed Spencer's ringtone. He called three more times. By then, I was done with my bath, but couldn't for the life of me will myself to leave the comforting warmth of the water I was submerged it. I rested my head on my cute mermaid shell bathtub pillow, hoping to rest my eyes until my body felt ready to leave. 

I must've fallen asleep, because next thing I know, I'm spitting up water, and can vaguely see Spencer's figure leaning over me. What the fuck? I hear talking but my ears still feel as if they're underwater.... Underwater? Oh, no. 

-

"Y/N/N, baby, I---I'm so painfully in love with you..." I couldn't believe it. Spencer. He's here. Wait..... 

"Why are you here, Spencer?" 

I never got my answer. Spencer just smiled his cute, dopey smile at me, walking up to pull me into a romantic embrace. When he kissed me, it felt like an act we've done a million times, yet, one we were still yearning for every time the sparks flew. 

"I'll still love you...Y/N/N. I'll always love you..." 

•••

Being the 'baby' of the BAU certainly had some advantages, but the one downside I hated the most, was my friends and teammates hounding me about my [lack-there-of] social life. Morgan would constantly ask me if I've had a 'rough night,' whenever I needed more than my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Emily and Hotch were pretty much the only ones who hardly ever butted in my personal life. Emily would if I asked, and she did the minute I came to her for advice on possibly asking out the newest member of our team: Y/N Y/L/N. 

I swear my jaw dropped on its own accord the moment I got a whiff of her perfume along with a clear view of her from head to toe. I didn't even know her name yet, but my heart told me I needed to. I almost dropped the mug that had been in my hand when she finally approached me after finishing a discussion with Morgan and Emily. "Dr. Reid, I presume?" she had asked, her hand ready to shake mine. I gulped, keeping my free hand glued to the inside of my pants pocket. "Name's Y/N Y/L/N, but I'll let you call me Y/N/N." I gave her a dopey half-smile, still refusing to shake her outstretched hand. I watched her nonchalantly pull it back by running her fingers through her hair, but before I could even begin to ramble off my knowledge of why I never shook it, Hotch called us in for a case. 

I had thought that was it. But then Y/N started getting paired with me on cases, soon we were inviting each other over for Doctor Who marathons; somewhere along the line, I fell in love with her and simply assumed it was unrequited. I valued the moments I got to share with her, even as just a friend, so I fought hard to keep up the charade on my end as best I could. 

Then, I started experiencing these headaches. My eyes got super sensitive to sunlight as well as artificial light, so I began wearing sunglasses everywhere. Y/N caught on, once asking me what my doctors say it was. The truth? I never believed they even knew. The last doctor I spoke with urged me to agree to having my brain scanned, sending them to a highly renowned geneticist. I politely declined, but agreed to have the scans done anyway. Y/N caught me looking them over one evening while we were watching a movie. After explaining to her that I felt hopeless after not having come up with an answer myself, she insisted I let this geneticist at least take a look. Maybe they would find something. 

I just never once expected not only to have someone finally figure out what was wrong with my brain, but also find love with them, too. I felt something purely romantic with Maeve that I hadn't felt in my entire life. The difference between Maeve and Y/N was that with Maeve, I fell in love hard and fast, only knowing little about her. With Y/N, I fell in love slowly, over a long period of time. 

Which is why I've now been a total ass to Y/N on purpose for the past year. 

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard her tell Diane that she loved me like that. I still don't completely buy it. I cracked the second Maeve was shot. All I could think in that moment was I'm so fucking grateful Y/N didn't die. As I held my dead girlfriend's body in my arms, that was what was at the forefront of my brain. Instead of working through my clusterfuck of feelings, I did the next best thing: I shut her out, completely. Was it by far the stupidest thing I've done? Possibly. Do I regret it? Well, I hadn't, at least not until tonight. 

-

As I'm sitting here in my spot, drink in hand, my focus is glued to Y/N as a man approaches her. His name is Jake. What kind of stupid name is that? I felt my face sulk more as she stood up to join him out on the dancefloor. Alex caught my line of vision even though I broke it before she cleared her throat and spoke up. "Spencer, it wouldn't hurt you to just talk with her." Wouldn't hurt? The immense pain I felt in the pits of my stomach told me otherwise. I was going to completely ignore both Alex and Y/N, but then when I looked up, I couldn't find her right away. I scanned around, my eyes finally locking with her, only to see her hand cupped in his as he clearly tugged her in the direction of the exit. 

I still can't fathom what possessed me to jump from my spot in the booth over to her, but the blood pumping throughout my entire being was clearly controlling my movements. I wish I could blame it for the way my mouth ran as well. She really thought I didn't care about her?! If only she fucking knew what my days and nights have been like for the past year without her. I miss hearing her laugh, seeing her roll her eyes at me, I---

I crossed a line, that's what I fucking did. I had the audacity to yell at Y/N for surviving while Maeve lie underground. What couldn't I forgive her for? My stupid ass still can't forgive her for making me feel so guilty for still wishing she could love me the way she claimed to be when she lied to Diane. The liquid that she randomly chose to splash me with ended up tasting like vodka. When she leaned in to whisper harshly at me, all I could think about was how easily it would be for me to mirror her, kissing her like my life depended on it. However, the hurt in her eyes stopped me cold in my tracks. Even when I knew she was out the door, my feet still wouldn't budge from the position she left me in. 

Once I found it within me to drag my sorry butt to the table, I was met with eight pairs of shocked eyes. At first, I couldn't tell if they were shocked over how quickly Y/N was to leave after a two-minute conversation with me, or shocked because they all know what I've been too afraid to admit for over a year now. A rough hand slapped itself on my shoulder, turning me to face them. Morgan. "Jeez, Reid. Whatever the hell happened between you two, you need to change your tune real quick otherwise, you're going to lose her." 

Lose her. That was something, despite how I've acted towards her this past year, I couldn't risk happening. Not again. I bolted past the door, hoping that she was still only right outside, waiting for an Uber or something. By the time I slowed down to catch my breath, I realized that she most likely walked home, being that her apartment was only 1.4 miles from the bar. Fuck. I had to catch up to her, I had to apologize for a year's worth of me being an imbecile. I had to---"Hey, Spence! Talk to me!" Alex. 

I whipped around at the tug of her hand on my arm. Before I could even realize it, tears pricked past my eyes, down my cheeks. "Alex, look, I can't talk right now, I---" 

"I know. But, first, here me out? Yeah?" The sympathy that was evident in her voice made me stop and relax my arm within her grasp. Alex dropped her hand, resting it on her hip the way women stereotypically do when they're working to prove a point. I begrudgingly shut my eyes, awaiting the mom-voice Alex would no doubt bestow upon me in 3...2...1. "You really have no idea why Y/N stormed out on you tonight?" I blinked. Alex talked as if she knew exactly why Y/N ran away from me just fifteen minutes ago. 

"She hates me. That much is painfully obvious, Alex." I felt her hand gently, but firmly, smack the back of my head enough that I felt it linger as her hand came back down to her side. She smile sadly, letting out a long, loud sigh. 

"You know, for a man whose IQ defines him as a genius, you can still be so clueless when it comes to women." I nodded. Alex wasn't wrong. Hell, I didn't even know Maeve had feelings for me until it was practically too late. So, the verdict still stands. "That girl is painfully in love you, Spencer. Has been since before...." Her voice trailed off as she glanced up at me with sorrowful eyes. In her silence, I knew what she was trying to say. Y/N has been in love with since before Maeve. I took a moment to mull over that. But, just as I was slowly coming to terms with this revelation, Alex spoke up, again. "And your piss-poor attitude, along with the way you've treated her over the past year...it's done nothing but chip away at her love for you. And I think you know that." I did. I knew my actions and poor choice in words was eating Y/N up inside. She showed it everytime she so much as glanced in my direction. "Did you even stop to think why she was willing to lay her life on the line for someone else simply because she thought they held the key to your happiness?" Alex rested her hand on top of mine, showing me that she was on both our sides, here. "What have you given her in return?" 

The words spouted out my mouth faster than my brain could comprehend, which doesn't happen all that often with me. "Cruelty, disdain, avoidance." Alex carefully nodded her head, letting me know I was at least moving in the right direction here. "I was just so incredibly scared that I never stopped loving her that way." I felt my eyes water as the confession poured out. "I felt ashamed at how little I grieved Maeve after she died. You know, Maeve and I only had a little over a hundred days worth of communication before..." Alex gave me her silent understand, letting me continue. "But, that's nothing compared to the thousand plus days I've had with Y/N." It wasn't. And right now, I'd give anything to hear Y/N's laugh one more time, even if it's aimed at me for being an idiot. "I pushed her away, Alex, what---what should I do?" 

"What do you think you should do?" It wasn't a hard question to answer, logically I knew that. But, my brain was still trying to piece together the part where Alex said Y/N loved me. Alex let out another sigh, leaning against the building, same as me. "If you ask me, I'd say you may have already pushed her away for good." My head snapped back at her, hoping I misheard what she just said. "She told me she believes you think she's 'just the stupid bitch who got his girlfriend murdered.'" 

"Sh-she told you that?" I didn't want to believe it. Any of it. I wanted this to all have been a bad dream that I'll eventually wake up from, a reality where Y/N comfort me right away, whispering to me that it was all 'just a bad dream.' 

"Yeah, Spencer, she did. But, if you truly love her, you need to fix this. You need to simply come clean and tell her how you feel." Alex removed herself from the wall behind us, walking slowly towards the door. "Go to her, tell Y/N everything you just told me. I'm worried she might....leave." That ignited in me a new motivation to run as fast as my converse-clad feet could carry me. Before I did, though, I had to confess one more thing to Alex. 

"Did she ever tell you she first wanted me to call her Y/N/N?" Alex laughed a little, shaking her head. 

"No. I've never heard you call her that. Why? If you don't mind me asking." 

"Because I never felt worthy enough in her eyes to call her that." The honesty was really getting to me now. I needed to bolt. With a small wave and a short smile, I turned away from Alex to race down five blocks until I made it to Y/N's apartment building. The weight of my satchel never felt heavier than it did walking up two flights of stairs. When my knuckles softly hit the wood of her door, I prayed--yes, prayed--that Y/N would not only hear me out, but give me a chance to make this all up to her. She deserved it after the year I put her through. 

When I didn't hear her voice reach my ears from behind her door, I pulled out my phone as quickly as possible. As the dial tone rang, I could faintly hear my personalized ringtone going off from somewhere inside her apartment. I called a total of four times before panic began to find home within me. I started banging on her door loud enough that I'm sure her neighbors could hear. Still nothing. God, where is Morgan when you need him? I eyed the deadbolt and convinced myself that this was a perfect example of why I should've had a key. I unholstered my gun, clicking the safety off before shooting one bullet directly at her doorknob. After pushing the now broken door open, it scared me more that all I could hear was silence. I checked every room in her place, coming up empty. Where the fuck was she? I found myself back in her bedroom, scanning it over--looking for something, anything. 

That's when I heard it. The very faint sound of water dripping drop by drop. I slowly walked over to her bathroom door, which wasn't shut, pushing it open to reveal Y/N lying in her bathtub, passed out. No! Nonononono.... Quickly, I leaned down next to her, checking for a pulse on both her neck and her wrist. It was there, barely, but there. "Y/N! Y/N, baby, please wake up! I need you to wake up for me!" Surprisingly, it was hard to let myself get distracted by the fact that she was naked in my arms as I held her soaked body close to my clothed self, being that she was unconscious and barely breathing. I laid her on the floor, gently, beginning CPR in the hopes that she would breathe again, soon. 

Within minutes, Y/N coughed up more water, her eyes were opening and closing sporadically. I left her there just long enough to grab the comforter that was on her bed to pull around her, both to warm her up and to keep my eyes from wandering over her body more than they already have. I yank out my phone once more, this time to dial 911. "Yes...yeah, my--my friend was unconscious in her bathtub...she is...uhh, I can't get a proper reading....no, I'm not. Thank you." I held her in my arms as I walked us to her couch, waiting on the ambulance to show up. It might not have been needed, but I wasn't taking anymore chances. Not this time. 

The ride to the hospital was silent. I kept whispering in her ear over and over, "Please don't die on me, I can't lose you." I repeated it so many times, it became my mantra as they wheeled her in with me not far behind. I watched as they began poking and prodding over her body, lining fluid bags up on a hook rack, hooking her up to a machine that beep far more times than I felt like counting. Once all was said and done, I was allowed to stay with her, only after flashing them my badge. 

Y/N looked peaceful, laying in the bed. I tried to imagine the wires away, only seeing her beautiful face as if she were laying beside me in bed on an average morning. It didn't take long for my smile to droop, realizing that we were both here tonight because I'm an idiot and wouldn't just simply have a conversation with her. Even if that conversation could lead to the end of our friendship. I just wasn't ready for that. I also knew I couldn't keep acting like a jerk to her, either. 

I hoped I wasn't crossing a line, slinking in the small space beside her on the bed. There was just barely enough from for me to fit my body between her's and the edge. Once I settled in, laying my arm tentatively over her stomach, I perched my head up with my hand, taking in the sight of Y/N once more. Goad, she looked beautiful. I cleared my throat, hoping that maybe she could hear what I'm about to say, and maybe, she wouldn't remember it when she wakes up. 

"Y/N, um, Y/N/N. It feels funny, you know, saying the name you asked me to call you back when we first met." I hesitate, feeling her move as if she's only asleep, which I guess she is. "I never called you that because I--because I never believed we were close enough for our friendship to warrant me calling you by something other than your given name." I mentally hit myself for how ridiculous I must sound to anyone with working ears. But the moment I averted my gaze back down to her, I lost it again. I began thinking about all the times Y/N came to me, asking me to not shut her out, to 'go back to the way things were,' and I just---couldn't. 

I slumped over in the chair I'd been sitting in, only realizing now just how uncomfortable sleeping in it was going to be. Then, as if she'd heard me internally debating my options, Y/N rolled over on her side, opening up a spot for my thin frame to rest. Right next to her. I gulped, still unsure if this was a smart idea. My body seemed to make the decision without me, considering by the time I blinked I was laying right up against her, resting my arm protectively around her waist, my head resting in the crook of her neck. The faint smell of her body wash flooded my nostrils, causing a string of tears to run down my cheeks. I couldn't keeps my feelings in any longer. I guess the fact that she's sound asleep doesn't hurt, either. 

"Y/N/N, baby, I---I'm so painfully in love with you." I gripped my hold on her a little tighter, afraid that, at any moment, she would wake up and I'd have to remind myself just how much of an ass I've been to her this past year. "I've been nothing short of a complete idiot and hypocrite towards you. I just---I couldn't---I needed to--I didn't believe you when you told Diane that you loved me. Not like that. The truth is---is that, um, I've been in love you for years. It hurt to hear you say those words, and it--I---I felt so guilty! I've acted this way for the past year because---the moment I realized Maeve got shot instead of you--I--I was relieved!" I was now officially crying out every frustration I've felt since that moment into Y/N's shoulder. I needed to let this all out, even if she would never hear it, let alone remember any of it. It felt amazing to admit, both to myself, and out loud, that I am completely enamoured by her. I just wasn't ready to have to cover the band-aid back up. I needed to heal. I wished I could tell her. I wanted to tell her. "I love you, Y/N/N, so much. What I feel for you, hell, how I feel whenever I'm near you, it's a feeling unlike anything I've ever experienced. I just---I hate that I didn't see how you felt about me until it was too late. I know it's too late." I felt a wave of sleepiness slowly overtake me, my eyes closing without the ability to open them again. "I'll still love you..Y/N/N. I'll always love you." 

-

Sunlight shined through the window next to us, my eyes seeing it without fluttering open just yet. That's not what woke me, though. I felt Y/N shift around in the bed, guessing she only just woke up herself. I wasn't ready to leave her side. I wanted this seemingly perfect moment to last forever. That's when it happened. I swore, for a second, I imagined the whole thing. That, as I opened my eyes, I would be alone in my own bed, with the burning reality that Y/N went home alone, thinking I hated her still. The feeling of something brushing my lips told me that wasn't the case. Before my brain could even register what happened, I felt an undeniable spark ignite my entire body. If I was still dreaming, I know I'm awake now. 

Y/N kissed me. 

For a brief moment, I let that fester in my foggy haze. I almost chased her lips with my own when reality once again came crashing into me. You've been nothing short of a jerk to her. She doesn't love you anymore. How can she? I felt tiny pricks over every one of my limbs as I scurried out of the hospital bed, practically falling to the floor as my body was still in the process of waking itself up. Just as I managed to gain most feeling in every neuron in my body, my brain is short-circuited once again by the feeling of familiar lips on mine and kind arms around my waist. I felt relieved at first, but slowly pulled away to gage just what exactly happened. I needed to ensure I wasn't making half this up in my head. As I pulled my body away from hers, I noticed the way she flinched, almost as if she hated being away from me. Y/N pulled me in for another hug, this time, I allowed my hands to rest on her back---her bare back. My eyes went wide as I carefully trailed my hands down until I realized....her hospital gown had come untied. 

This time, I stepped away farther in hopes that she would realize what was happening solely based off my stupid voiceless expressions as I stood there---looking like an idiot. Y/N didn't seem to notice, her body moving forward to close the gap between us once more. I cleared my throat, deciding to say something, but then she must've felt the draft because she cut me off before I could even begin. 

"shit...Oh, um, Spencer..Could you just--um, please tie this back up for me?" I blinked up at her like what she just asked of me to do was maddening, which, I mean...it was. I choked out a cough before nodding my head like the dummy I am as I step back towards her, her back already towards me with her soft hands gripping the ends of the gown together behind her. I took in another rather loud gulp, raising my hands to cover hers while grabbing the fabric she was still clinging to. 

"I -- ahem -- I got it, um, Y/N/N." Luckily, it didn't take but a few seconds to tie her gown together. The moment I heard my own mouth betray me was the same moment I felt her entire body stiffen. "It's, um, it's--you're all good." There was a big part of me that hoped she would take my clumsiness and cowardice as a sign that I'm not mad at her anymore. As I watched her turn around though, the pout on her face was both adorable and unnerving. 

"Y/N/N?" she asked me as her head tilted to one side. "Spencer, you--you never call me that." I paled at her discovery. She was right. Could she have heard me? Noo... but? "The greatest gift that tragedy brings is that it forces you to reconsider the things you've been taking for granted." I froze. The love of my life just recited a line from one of my favorite poems. A line that now held far more meaning than I ever thought it would in my life. 

"You...remembered?" I watched her nod slowly. Licking my lips, I moved to join her in the space we had both been occupying only moments earlier. "Y/N/N," as I spoke her name, the nickname she's wanted me to call her since the day we met, I couldn't help but let a smile creep across my face. "Can I---Will you let me please have another chance?" I purposely left it vague, allowing Y/N the chance to decide for herself which direction our relationship goes. I stood there, mentally crossing my fingers that she wants what I want. 

"I'll do you one better, Spencer. I'll even agree to a date."

\-------♥--------


End file.
